Some are unnecessary. Some are just plain hideous. Let's look at the worst accessories you can add to your car.
A lot of time, money, effort and research go into building a car. And this care is all too frequently offset on the driver’s part by crimes against taste and sense.
We’re not taking into account the ridiculous modifications that people put on their cars, either – people do enough damage with the accessories they buy.
Some of the accessories that people choose to inflict on their poor car in the name of “enhancement” are unforgivable. Here are our least favourite, in no particular order.
You’ve presumably seen false eyelashes on a car by now. For making a car pretty.
Why stop at eyelashes? How about draping your car with a massive wig? Perhaps you can chisel some dimples into the bodywork?
Maybe you could disguise your car by buying an enormous pair of glasses, false nose and moustache?
Photo: Minicooper EYELASHES! by Claudia Brauer is licenced under CC BY 2.0
Fake turbo dump valve
Do you want your car to make a “phsssst” sound? Of course you do – who doesn’t?
And for the eye-watering price of £149.95, your car can make that wonderful racket that’s sure to make you the most popular person on your street.
Fitting a dump valve counts as adding a modification and so can make your insurance costs jump.
And if you upgrade to the XL version for £219.95 you can have two speakers making the sound instead of one. Twice as loud! Twice as popular!
Some alloys – like the ones that keep on spinning even when the wheel isn’t – are pretty bad.
But that’s nothing compared to alloys with a giant teddy bear strapped to them. And only £100 per wheel too.
Photo: 1996 VW Golf Mk3 Harlequin by Ian Abbott is licenced under CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
The classic. Quite an obvious choice this, but when someone says, “Think of a useless car accessory”, fluffy dice are likely to be what first spring to mind.
No-one really knows their origins or meaning, which arguably makes them the most pointless objects on the list.
We’d go as far as to say that the only person who’s allowed to have fluffy dice is a taxi driver with “FRESH” as their licence plate, for the sole purpose of escorting a young Will Smith to Bel-Air.
Photo: Untitled by Alex is licenced under CC BY 2.0
My other car is...
We’ve all seen them. Bumper stickers that say, “My other car is <name of other (usually much more expensive) car>”.
Why not just cut to the chase and have a sticker which reads “The owner of this car is completely hung up on the notion of status”?
Alternatively, there are the “humorous” variations. Take, for example, “My other car is also a piece of junk”, “My other car is out of fuel” and “My other car is a TARDIS”.
Maybe we should just go ahead and ban all bumper stickers.
LED smiley face
The Drivemocion LED car face costs a cool £27, is likely the most divisive gadget on this list. Some seem to really like it. But most of us think it’s inexcusably rubbish.
One thing is beyond dispute though. Check out the “flirting” face in the video below at 1:25. Creepy, yes?
Little princess on board
A fad that went on for far too long is the “Baby on board” notice phenomenon. It’s a trend that has been almost universally mocked.
And if someone tells you a blood-chilling story about a baby coming to a grisly end as a result of being left behind after an accident, it’s not true.
The original intention was indeed to influence nearby drivers to drive more sensibly. As ever, The Simpsons lampoon this perfectly when Marge buys such a sign in the hope that it will stop other drivers intentionally ramming their car.
And so a thousand variations were born – including “Little princess on board”, “Cheeky monkey on board”, and even “CEO on board”.
The only sure-fire result of displaying one of these signs is that nearby cars will have a queasy person on board.
Photo: Baby on a board by Kristina D.C. Hoeppner is licenced under CC BY-SA 2.0
Plastic cup holders
Cup holders that you clip to your window or dashboard obviously aren’t useless in theory. It tends to be the execution that renders them useless.
The same fate could be in store for your crotch if you choose unwisely, as that large cup of hot coffee is unlikely to stay upright for long.
Are you feeling lucky?
Nodding dogs and other parcel-shelf soft toys
We don’t take objection to toys in cars per se – especially if those toys are beloved robotic mascots of certain price comparison websites.
But cluttering your parcel shelf with them? The thing is, you don’t really get to appreciate them as you drive, so they end up being entirely for the driver behind’s benefit.
Here’s one for nostalgia fans: remember when every other car had a Garfield stuck to the window? Or even an ALF? Well, it’s with a heavy heart that we must inform you that they were rubbish too.
Photo: Puppy Dogs no Ice Cream by Thunderchild7 is licenced under CC BY 2.0
Fake bullet holes
Please! And don’t try to argue that they’re speed holes.
Photo: Fake bullet holes on matte black Aston by Supermac1961 is licenced under CC BY 2.0